10341.06 miles OR 16641.86 km (Thats how far away we are)
i think hes gettin tired of me...i really do.. seems like evrything i said seem so smart to him.. even wen tha conversation werent intended to be sarcastic. it was just suppose to b a laughable convo. For the past week..maybe its just me, but i feel like wen he talks to me now, its like..gosh wats the word.. Its like harsh, but no.. like dont have a sense of care to it like he used to. As if theres a bit of an attitude with most replies. Yea he ask how im doin n all, bt that isnt wat im talkin ab. And sometimes i just sit n wait for him to reply, i still wait for him to get on, at night too, even tho i dnt say nething to him ab it nowadays bc he'll jst say tht he didn tell me to wait. (who wants to hear that after waitin all nite for sumone?) most times the effort became a waste..bc he's still b asleep, or wen he gets up, itll b too late. At night i lay and wonder if he still feel as strong about me as he did. Ok i admit...for tha past months, we've been fightin...mainly cuz of me. My thoughts constantly filled with wat he's doin where he is at and who is with...evrything. from him bein home so late, chillin wit cuzzos comin home drunk as hell.. nd sumtimes i have to figure out that he is, even tho most times he came out n tell me.. My questions are doin nuthing but to make me upset..yes i wana noe wat he's doin but, seems like i never liked the answer,like im not ready to hear it. And..for those who know me, they must know that i have a STRONG ass intuiton. So if i have a feeling 9 times outta 10 it happened/is happening/will happen. Like i ask him one day if he had talk to neone... nd guess wat lol the day i askd..was actually the day he talked to sumone. On tha same damn day, only a little bit earlier.. My intuition is THAT GOOD! Well since then... i kept on askin questions.. ya noe how girlfriends are.. oo mind u that we're in a long distance relationship. And it all started wen we still live close to each other, he dont like me bein around my friends..my guy friends mostly of course, but i didn mind.. you have no idea how much i sacrifice... i see myself changing. Maybe for the better..bc b4 bein in this relationship..
1. I was ice cold towards guys. Well not in front of them..bt i jst didn care ab none of em. I never bother to make a phone call not even a text. My frame of mind since i started liking boys is to NEVER, NEVER EVER chase them. Thats about one of the only things that my ma taught me and actually sticks to my head. I never approached guys, always let em do the work.. I keep em running in circles to be exact. Most times i dont want them. I wasn't good. I guess its because i was still in love with my first boyfriend..we just never worked out because i moved..nd we were too young back then anyways!
2. I always put my friends first, always.. Since being with him, i guess the thing that made me care about him is the fact that we were friends first..even if its friends with benefits.. i see him as my friend. And i care about my friends more than i do mostly with everything else.. I always say..im the greatest friend you'll ever meet in your life, but as for girlfriend.. i cant say the same AT ALL. I dont try. With him, its different. Wen i was at work..the latest he wud text me is 12 p.m. I get worried wen he dont text me, so i texted first.. I would hit him up, yea that may mean nuthing to most people but to me..thats the first big step. I started to care on how he feels about a certain situation. If he dont like me talkin to this guy or that guy... things like that, before i know it.. i was left with my girlfriends, my neighbor, and him... I've let go of my guy friends, for him.. I guess its wat u call love. Plus i see nomore reason to keep the rest hanging any longer.. i cant have them around since my bf live across the street! And the last change since bein with him..
3. I see myself gettin way too emotional. I never thout i wud ever get so jealous like this, like a f-in cry baby. Lord, seriously..sometimes i think im going crazy, no im pretty sure i am. Before being in this relationship..if my guys ever hurt me, oo ill find out and nah i had never shed a tear for no men. Not worth the stress, not worth the time, i never even bother to ask or find out wats up. Just leave em on spot..Guess its wat draws them towards me in the first place, kinda confusing..bt it made sense in my world :) But i guess the good thing about this is that i know im capable of loving someone as more than a friend. It is a new challenge for me. Most times idk wat to do with it...
I feel bad for him, because most times..he had to suffer and listen to me fuss and cry for god noes wat reason. Me missing him leads to me being mad at him for every little thing he says or does. Me getting upset, him feeling like he's not doing any good for me.. These days i try to change up again. I told him i wont ask anymore questions... i havent. To me, lately ive been trying super hard like i never done before to keep peace. His effort to keep peace is always there since the beginning. He never fuss back at me wen i flip. This time he's changing little by little. There's not really much conversations anymore..tha ones that holds any meaning. He always never talks that much anyways bt he always tries..bt i started not to talk much either..afraid that he'll take it the wrong way nd we starts to fight again. But im thinkin that this effort is a little too late... i think i done pushed him over the edge. The little things i said...any comments that he didnt know the meaning of, he think of it as bein smart..and our whole mood change.. it was never my intention. I try hard not to ask wat he's been up to, who's he been hangin with lately all those i used to ask..so we wudnt fight anymore..but it doesnt work now..thats why i said it may be too late. Nuthing i do is working anymore.. he tought me to open up...but with this distance, that may not be the best thing to do. I find myself trying to keep it in again, like i did my whole life before i got with him. I once ask him.. can we get better... well no replies. But i know... if we dont see each other soon and we cant get any better in the mean time, its a recipe for disaster. I love him too much, i cant bear to lose him..and in my heart, i know he feels the same... But this distance is killing us both. My prince charming needs to come soon.
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